Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
