you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
They are going to name an STD after you.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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