1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
