I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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