had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
