Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
