No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
