Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize