Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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