You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
