He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
