Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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