Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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