My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
