my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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