Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
