john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
