These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
