our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
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Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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