my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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