She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
