Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
