I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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