I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So squirting runs in the family.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
