My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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