Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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