This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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