when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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