sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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