Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
