Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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