i jhust puked up my retainher.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
