Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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