I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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