I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
