My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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