I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
