So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
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I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
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Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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