I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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