please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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