i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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