So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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