i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
