I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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