even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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