I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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