I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
