I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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