first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
