Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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