My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Who died my cat blue again?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
