Michael Bay diarrhea
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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