Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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