i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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