Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
