There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
They are going to name an STD after you.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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