Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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