I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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