i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
